unlike any other
I have had an essay drafted for over a month about how he was so adamant that he was unlike all other men. I have been working on it what feels like forever, only to not post it when I think I am done. my hesitation is rooted in feeling like I am giving him too much of my power by publishing yet another piece about him, but by not posting it, I have caused myself a sort of writer’s block.
a few days ago I thought about a lyric by ani difranco. she says she knows now that every pop song was right, but we know it is because she is experiencing heartbreak for the first time, and it made me realize something else. we say pop songs about heartbreak are universal because we all experience it at some point, but the real reason the pop songs about heartbreak are so relatable is that men behave the same way. this is not a novel thought - men are from mars and women are from venus was the book everyone referred to for decades, and while there are many issues with its messages, it is the truth that men react differently than women when faced with emotional scenarios. and the fact that all men behave the same way in those situations can be evidenced by decades of pop songs where those hurt by them sing about the same things. look, I am 46 and a pop song by a woman who was 18 when she released it speaks to my situation as if I wrote it.
“well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily
you found a new girl and it only took a couple weeks
remember when you said that you wanted to give me the world?and good for you, I guess that you've been working on yourself
I guess that therapist I found for you, she really helped
now you can be a better man for your brand-new girl”-Olivia Rodrigo
with this all being said, I am going to share the piece I have been working on, because it needs to be posted to get me through this weird block. and I know not everything is binary, including people, so please know when I am speaking of men in this way, I am speaking of cis-men. and of course our experiences with men are unique, because they are personal to us. the idea that I am working through right now is although that is true, as long as we are dealing with men, it will never be unlike others’ experiences.
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he spent the better part of nine years talking about not being like other men. he said that because he grew up with women, was friends with women, worked with women, and he saw how awful men treated us, he was certain to not be that. and he would do everything to show that he was unlike other men. he remembered every little detail. he even remembered and celebrated my dead mother’s birthday, who he never met. he talked about confronting men at work for saying sexist things. he would pick up tampons from the store and rub cbd cream on my body when my cramps were too intense. he tricked me for a long time, but then he went and did the most typical man thing ever. he gave up everything to avoid having an emotional conversation.
he rushed to bang someone else, and it was probably to prove to himself that he didn’t love me anymore. his sister warned me I would push him to her if I told him my feelings. I know it was confusing for him when I said I was a lesbian and then a month later said I wanted him back. it was confusing for me too. but as the woman who he was building a future with, or who was paying the bills on time, I thought he would hear me out.
he had many opportunities to make things better, or at least apologize for his part, but instead he doubled down on being a dick. he complained the entire time he lived here that he hated the complex, the apartment, the community, and even said the gym was not up to his standards. so why, when he had a place or two to live, other than to try to make me miserable, would he continue to stay here? my therapist said he was clearly being mean on purpose, but it is coming from a place of hurt. I understand that, but also he is also a grown ass man, and he could have talked to the person he said was his best friend.
the night after he finally moved out, I could not even watch a show without being reminded of his insensitivity. his new girlfriend set up a fucking profile on my streaming account. and the fact that this happened before, when he still lived here, and he said no way would birdlady have done that, and said it was so weird that the new profile name was also called birdlady. I stupidly believed him and changed that app’s password. then, holy fuck, it happens again, on my first night alone, on a whole other app. BIRDLADY has a profile on my account and when I texted him about it, he had the nerve to tell me that she didn’t do it, the roku did it on its own, or if she did it, she didn’t know. he also told me to not angry text him again. so I texted, “you are welcome” instead of something I would regret, and he replied, “you are welcome” back.
this was the funniest shit he has done the whole time I have known him.
someone asked me what I would miss most about us and I was quiet for so long they started asking pointed questions, “is he funny?” and I said “I am the funny one.”
honestly, that was his best work.
and now neighbors tell me he is parking in his old spot, in the community he hated, to use the gym that didn’t meet his expectations. further proving he is like other men - continually showing up where they are not wanted.
my friends and therapist have pointed out that he took advantage of my empathy, and manipulated me exactly when he knew it would work. he used his own (untreated) disorders as the reason for hating my cats’ meows, and of course I stepped on eggshells for him for years to try to make it work. I told myself that is what relationships are, compromise. but even worse, and he did this to me all the time, was he used the fact that he is Black in arguments so that I could not say anything else. it was like he weaponized my advocacy for Black people against me. and now I see that while I was navigating what was an emotionally abusive relationship, telling myself I was compromising for someone who loved me, he was reminding me the whole time that I was fortunate to have someone like him, that he was unlike all other men.
and then, even at the fucking bitter end, he said that I gave him 28 days to move out, “on the first day of Black history month.” not only did that literally not happen, but who else on the face of the planet could he guilt with that? gonna go out on a short twig and say the woman who corrected him in saying there was “no such animal as a Black Panther” when he told her he wanted that for his next tattoo won’t pay much attention to Black history month if they happen to have an argument in february. or maybe they are a perfect match and when he suddenly decides he hates the sound of her dogs barking, she will hand him his headphones every time someone pulls in the driveway. after all, she is lucky because he is unlike every other man.
there is an older saying I have heard women say when I was younger, and I don’t remember it word for word, but the message was that men will stop caring about you once they have their focus on a new woman and then they completely forget about you once they are fucking her. when I said I did not want him to date her, he told me he did not want to hear about my feelings anymore. and by the time he was leaving condoms for me to see, he had removed me from his life completely.
the best part is, he was right. he is unlike other men. he is the only one that ever broke my heart.
